What if Vady's Russia win the world cup

DISCLAIMER - THIS ARTICLE IS MEANT AS A JOKE, AN ATTEMPT AT DEADPAN HUMOUR. IF ANYONE IS OFFENDED. NO OFFENCE.




When you read the title you are like 'Huh, can Russia actually win the world cup?' Your mind soon conjures up images of Bieber actually singing proper songs, Santa actually giving presents or you actually getting accepted to the Ivy League by writing an essay about How you Peed in your Pants. Nah, impossible right. Doesn't make sense, does it? You think you are more likely to escape the fabled 'Friendzone' land than see some player whose name you can hardly pronounce, without properly being Russian, getting his hands on the title. Nah, man.



But Leicester actually won the premier league, didn't they? Trump and Kim actually agreed on something, didn't they? And I'm sure if you are descriptively unique enough in your essay 'How I peed in my pants' you just might get into the top institutions. ( Bieber and Santa just can't be helped kiddo, I'm truly sorry). And so you say Russia can't possibly win the world cup?

 

With Vady ( that's Vladimir Putin to you sub-HomoSapien filth) holding the players' families hostage, you wouldn't bet against the players producing their best 'Messi' level performance. 

Fear = adrenaline = better performance.

 Vady couldn't quite implement a state-wide doping program. Again. I told him it would be too expensive as after building the crackpot stadiums and providing free transport to the sub-human species, the coffers were almost empty. Of course, I didn't mention the huge cut of the profit I would be taking, but the mention of too many eyes on the tournament seemed to do the trick. Being the smart man ( with my help of course) he made the players become world-class. It was a total win-win situation. And the player's performed. 

Of course, I might be jumping to conclusions, but experts ( asshats with loads of money paid for diligently nodding ) were already pronouncing the Russia vs Saudi Arabia game as the most boring start to the world cup. Vady wasn't very pleased when he learnt his team were the lowest-ranked in the tournament. Even in oil production, Vady was ahead of the Saudis. And here they were ranked 3 places below in a tournament in Vady's own backyard. He was quite happy, giddy even when he heard the US team failed to qualify. That was the only time when I saw him smile wider than when he won the Russian elections. The vodka flowed faster wider than Niagara Falls. However, the subsequent awarding of the 2026 tournament to the cowboys, salsa fans and moose lovers in the west greatly seemed to sour his mood. He knew he would have to qualify for the 2026 tournament. Legal doping was out of the question. 

I told him to go and enjoy the match but he looked at me with sad beady eyes of his. I told me he would win the match and would get one over his gas passing rival. He instantly perked up. He asked me how should he celebrate when his team score, I just shrugged and told him to make it 'meme-worthy'. I guess he took it quite literally. Even Infantino copied my tactic. That insufferable bald little twat.

I expected Russia to win. But the player's and the coach were scared they beat their ' gas' rivals 5-0. The most boring start to the world cup, those asshats said. If they considered 5-0 boring, then Egypt vs Uruguay match should have been 'stuffed to death barring one minute'. Even the Spain vs Portugal match was utter nonsense except for one tiny moment David De Gea seemed to get inspiration from Loris Karius. So right now Russia is the best team. I mean they only scored one less goal than both Spain and Portugal combined, didn't they? And Spain won the world cup in 2010 while Portugal are the current Euro Champions. Who cares if Ronaldo scored a hattrick.

Being the selfish and deceitful person I am, I told Vady that after the El Gasico, stop the World Cup as soon as Russia beat Saudi Arabia. I even whispered it into the Saudi Prince's ears. Why do you think they both shook hands later? Cuz Russia would win the trophy and Saudi would automatically get second place. Duh. I thought it was a  sure deal. However, Vady is a good guy. I was confident Infantino would say yes to anything Vady said, but Vady was convinced it wasn't right. And now we have to watch the world cup.  He was so impressed with their performance he even let the players' families leave early. I told him to keep them for at least a month or two. But Vady is a good guy.

You might say, OH MY GOD THIS IS SO HORRIBLE. THE FAMILIES. OH NOOOO. But look at it this way.
1. Vady wins the world cup.
2. Vady personally congratulates the players.
3. The players become national heroes.
4. Their wives have something more to gossip about.
5. Their children are accepted by everyone, everywhere.
6. The players get contracted by those out of Russian super clubs.
7. Money is earned, sent back to Russia. The economy thrives like crazy.
8. Trump starts pacing around his office like crazy, wondering how in the hell is he going to contact Putin and say 'Congrats'. The big red button suddenly looks like nicer to him than punching in the phone number.
9. The people of Russia re-elect Vady.
10. Again.
11. Vady dances around like Griezmann ( the L dance) when he visits the White House.
12. I take my money and run away before Vady sees this article.

See, it is a win-win situation for everybody. Russia winning the World Cup would make the rest of the Russian pigeons not just salute him, but bow before him. He would become their living breathing merciful god. It would make Leicester winning the league seem like some old forgotten fairy tale. Russia's football would be booming as more expats would ply their trade in a country that won the world cup. But more importantly, Vady could literally say 'I won the world cup' in any trade negotiations.

1. So since I won the world cup I would like to motion for the world cup to never happen again. 'Infantino nods in the background'

2. Oh, the Noble peace prize. Pfft, that's nothing let me show you the World Cup. Infantino let me keep it forever you know.

3. You can't launch a nuke at me, I won the World Cup. Legally.

4. So Trump, how much for the White House? I could give you a replica World Cup trophy if you need one.

5. Oh, I've won several medals. But the World Cup winners medal is by far my most favourite. Now, where we planned to drop that bomb again?

So you see, the world would be a better place if my pal Vady won the World Cup. Concerned about The Ultraman. Pfft, those are just our hardcore supporters. Cheers.

PS- NO, PUTIN IS NOT MY FRIEND. BUT HE'S A NICE GUY. LOOK AT THAT SMILE.